HEART TO HEART

Just some thoughts about love. Haven't made a post like this in a while, and I just want to record how I feel in this moment so I can look back in the future and see how far I've come.


When Liam and I broke up I honestly thought for a minute that I would be never be able to love someone again. My heart was broken and I couldn't trust anyone the same as I did before. I still have a hard time trusting people with my heart and body. It'll sound cliche but by repressing my feelings and actions in order to appear more composed or unharmed has become a huge self defense mechanism. It's awful, it doesn't allow me to let people in and comes off as standoffish. I've always been the type to fall fast, go with my gut, and love with my whole heart. So here and there I have been trying to open up again.

With family it's easy because that love is unconditional and they love me no matter how bitter I can be.

With friends it's easier than expected. Old friends understand and are patient with me, and they fill me back up again with so much love, they make me believe love is out there for me. New friends surprise me everyday with how compassionate people can be and I'm so blessed to be able to grow my circle with people I can trust and depend on.

With potential partners it's been a roller coaster. If I meet someone or talk to someone and it just clicks I (with some caution) jump in, feet first and try. I try so hard to be patient, understanding, and open to new possibilities. Trust and honesty have been the two most important virtues to me these days. Unfortunately for me, people have a hard time being real with their thoughts and feelings in return. It's hard for me too, I'm easily embarrassed and sensitive, but I'm starting to find myself numb to the lies.

I so want to be the person who remains graceful and kind through her heart ache. I believe so deeply in love and I know it'll come in time. I don't force things anymore, and that is what is even harder to bare. That people still make false promises even when they're the ones chasing you.

Today I feel disappointed because yet again I tried being open with someone and let someone into my world. Yet again they prove the hopeless romantic wrong and let me down. I really hope I can overcome this defeated feeling and continue to have faith in love. I know in my heart I'm going to look back at this post and be like "giiiirllll you just had to be a little more patient".

So here I am. Defeated. Waiting. Wishing. That's all.